Trust

Those who know me even a little bit more than most probably already know I really don't trust anyone... Sure I trust certain people in certain aspects, but trusting someone wholeheartedly, no. I'm startting to wonder if the only way you can trust anything is just by trusting certain parts and pieces instead of the whole. Every day I learn a little more that not completely trusting anyone or anything is the best way to be. I prove it to myself, as well as others prove it to me. Nobody's perfect right... 

People lie. They lie and lie and lie. I have fucking lied to myself nearly my whole life, and I've gotten tired of it. In some ways I lie less than others, but I still lie too. I'm learning to recognize where I deceive myself. For the most part I am a pretty upfront person, I must say, but we all have things inside we are scared to face sometimes. Sometimes the way I observe others lying to me and themselves makes me physically ill. People who put on a charming facade who have manipulative and egotistical, self serving motives make me the sickest of all. 

I'm starting to recognize who the people are in my life who truly love and care for me, and it's about 1% of the people I know. I hope this doesn't offend anyone reading this, but let's be real here.... Do you honestly give a fuck if you ever see me again? Would it really make a difference in your life if I disappeared? That's what I thought. And you see, it's not the people who are friends/friendly acquaintances in that way that bother me... It's the people who attempt to build some sort of bond and trust with me, who in turn spit on that and disrespect my feelings, that piss me the fuck off. It's the people who love me until the next thing that excites them comes along, and then they will step on my feelings to get it. Yeah, it's the disregarders and the fucking fakes. 

So that brings me back to my (extremely valid and logical) trust issues that I have with 99% of the people I know.... That brings me back to one thought.... I am so thankful that I never truly invested myself into those people who I could have let myself invest in. I'm so glad I went through a few days of hurt to learn who they really are, as well as learning who truly cares and wants to help me on my life journey. And I'm so glad those fucking asshats helped me get just that much smarter and stronger. 

Some song lyrics come to mind: 

"Don't think cause I understand, I care. 
Don't think cause I'm talking we're friends." 
~Sneaker Pimps