Thoughts

Originally written in May 2010.


I want to talk about limited states of mind....

As I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep, I am thankful that the annoying cough I had earlier has subsided. I wonder what's up with these damn allergies. My second thoughts are of the one I am losing... I wonder what they are doing. Then of my upcoming day and evening.

Then I stop.
Then I see an image.
Then I read some information.
I begin to think about everything I woke up and thought about in a new way.

I think of a conversation my oldest sister and I had when I was 20 years old about how certain humans could possibly be only capable to reach a certain mental, emotional, and spiritual level of progress in their lifetime. At the time, I didn't apply already existing religious beliefs to my ideas about life. They were thoughts that came naturally without being influenced by other sounds, images, and information. It wasn't about searching and picking to put a name on something that makes the most sense to me based on what I already think and feel, and it's not today either. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I have had my dabbling in such things, but it just puts a cap on thought in my opinion.... Who needs that? I guess some people do, but not me. I must admit, there have been times when I could not focus, and I felt so lost that I reached out to somewhat organized beliefs. There is nothing wrong with borrowing ideas from other sources to grow either. When you find yourself stuck, taking advice and listening to others ideas to identify with other human minds can be so healing, and steer you toward your own path again. Quite often as soon as I felt I had gotten the wisdom, and as soon as I had built up my own personal strength again to continue on my journey, I have always carried on, on my own. I know this will happen again and again as we are a planet of cycles. It's human nature for some of us to draw similar conclusions on aspects of life. And no one owns thoughts.

Admitting a wrong is tricky. Admitting defeat is trickier. Many people feel that a hard long look in the mirror and personal change is excruciating, and they avoid it at all costs. Some only look at what they selectively choose to fix, leaving the stuff that seems too big to wrap their heads around alone. Denial can be quite the tricky entity, but I think those of us who have truly looked it in the eye and said, "Hey fucker, who the hell do you think you are, lying to me about me?! Fuck off!" feel such a sense of relief when we let go, and face the truth that our minds and bodies truly want us to know. When we don't need our denial and resentments as our shields anymore, I think these are the moments when we are really free. Fear, resentments, and hurt feelings melt away... It just doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things. People love each other. People hurt each other. People scar. And people heal. It's all part of the process, and if we want to embrace it and keep learning more and more about ourselves, human nature, and the world we live in, then we embrace it openly, lovingly, and with strength.

That is all...
For now.