Friends

This world is so cold.
I just need some warmth at the end of the day.
Everyone wants the surface.
I need something deep.
Everything keeps us so busy.
I just want time to breathe.
Everyone is so visually stimulated.
But I need to be heard.

I haven't had any friends in many years.  Well, it all depends on your perception of friends.  I consider a friend to be someone who you can lean on each other in times of need.  Someone who doesn't judge you or run away when they see you aren't perfect or just what they decided to see you as, as an image.  Someone who you can laugh with, cry with, and who truly cares about you unconditionally.  I feel that way about those I consider friends, but it hasn't been reciprocated too much.  I have had so many who offer friendship, only to prove that they are only in it because you are someone "cool" to know at a specific, fleeting amount of time.  You know, until the next really cool and neat person comes into the scene or their vision.  I have had a lot of people want to be my good friend because they were romantically interested in me also.  Then, when they finally realize that all I will offer them is friendship, and I'm not going to "come around", they decide that they don't like me anymore.  And even today, many people who care to take time to listen as a friend only seem to have ulterior motives.  I wish I had at least one friend who I knew just liked me for me, and didn't have a desire to date me.  (Don't get me wrong, I am very flattered and honored to be desirable to people.  I wouldn't wish for being undesirable at all!)  I guess I'll just keep taking what I can get, and accept the double edged sword.  It could be much worse.  I, however, will keeps walls up with them as I know the love is conditional.

Is there something wrong with me?  Am I more flawed than the average person?  Is it really that once someone gets to know me, they see that I am just too flawed to deal with?  Too sensitive?  Too dark at times?  I don't think that I ask for much from people.  Just an ear or a shoulder when times are tougher than others.  Times are always tough on some levels.  I try to see the bright side, and not be a burden.  But it really hurts when you are there for someone when they need to vent for hours for days in a row, when you spend your energy and time letting them know you care, and offering words of support, only for them to not do the same for you when your weak time comes...  It fucking hurts!

At this point in my life, I have two friends that I can really talk to about life's ups and downs freely.  They never push me away, make me feel bad in any way, and they truly show they care.  They both also have expressed romantic interest in me at some point in time, but they have also both still stuck around, without me wanting to date them, for more than a year.  So, I think they may be real friends, but I also know that they may decide to not be my friend at any point and time as well.  Everything is fleeting in life anyway.

Oddly enough, and in a bit of contrast to all I have just written, I really like the feeling of having that kind of friendship with a significant other as well.  It really does feel like the best kind of friendship when you can totally be yourself with the person you are romantically interested it, and they can with you too.  When you feel like you both care enough to freely express a sort of unconditional love.  I'm not sure if any dating or relationship can be unconditional 100%, but my hopeful side likes to tell me it's possible.  The feeling of coming home to someone who has warmth for you, regardless of a good or bad day, is priceless.  The feeling of someone who says, "So tell me about your day.  How was it?" and they really want to hear, is wonderful.  Someone who doesn't think all the little silly things you do or say are a bother.  Someone who sees you as beautiful for not only how you look or what you can give them, but for who you are, is such a remarkable gift.  These are the things I seek, as well as try to offer to someone.

But sometimes I am forced to squash my hopes and dreams this way.  When I am, it seems to come back to this:

We are so cold.
I just need some warmth.
We keep it all so surface.
I need something deep.
External life keeps us so busy.
I just want time to feel the experience of life.
We exist in questioning.
I just want love.



And it always brings me back to this one song year after year.

Just Some Of Today's Thoughts

Originally written on Jan. 21, 2011.

What some people misunderstand about me is that I'm not a fem-nazi or a man hater.  I am just a strong woman.  I'm not a tough girl, but strong from inside.  I have my own path, and I know it is right for me.  Even when I am unsure about something in my life I still sense the core of my being, and I believe in that.  I am aware of my weaknesses always, and do not shy from my demons or personal struggles.  I am a work in progress always, and I never want to stop being that.  When you stop learning you start dying inside in the ways that you need so much to be alive to survive this life on this plane.

My dance name, Infiniti, is based on these ideas.  It has been my personal path ever since I can remember.  It was pointed out to me by a long lost friend that I was Infinity Girl in the mid 90s.  Nothing ever rang more true in my being when this was expressed to me, and it still rings sound within me just the same.

I love all of you who I have a strong bond with in one way or another.  I cherish you, and am so glad to have you be part of my life path.  I am so grateful to those of you who share some of your path with me as well.  I wish I could see you all more often to share more smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs, but just thinking of you makes me happy as well.

It's surreal when your friends die...  Gerald and Charity died within a month of each other in 2009.  Gerald was a great guy, so funny and one helluva guitarist.  

Charity and I were closer.  We shared so many similarities and so many differences.  We flattered each other, comforted each other, we clashed occasionally, but we ended up talking it out.  Damn, I remember we had only one huge argument in the 10 years we were friends.  She didn't talk to me for a couple months.  Then one warm spring day, there was a knock on my door.  We talked and shared for an hour on the front porch.  It warmed my heart that she cared as much as she did about our friendship.  Sometimes I was not a good friend to her, and for that I will forever be sorry...  

Most people were very intimidated by her demeanor.  She was a true tough girl.  Tough as damn nails on the outside and inside, that one.  But I could see her heart and her hurt as I could my own, and I always tried to just be there for her to talk to when she felt like letting the tough walls down to share.  Fuck, I miss her face so much....

If I could have only seen Chris's face in person one last time after all these years.  If I could only have felt that indention in his skull that was so damn freaky feeling one last time...  But at least I got to know that amazing man, and share some great conversations with him at all.  At least he got to see that I was living my passion in dance and using my creative energies before he was taken from us.  He seemed proud of me.  I cherish that.  I am proud of him for leaving such a legacy in the Charlotte underground artist scene.  I am proud of him for being so kind and gentle, and for knowing just how to use that along with his will and intelligence in such an articulate way.

In closing, I want those of you who have shared some of your lives with me to know I love you and cherish you more than you may ever know.

<3

Now

These unchartered waters seem so familiar. 
Taking me back to a time, a place that has been dormant for years. 
This may be too much for me to handle, 
But I can't turn away. 

I'm stuck in this place, in this life for now. 
I gather supplies and hoard feelings. 
I will share some with you, 
But only some.... 

Monsters and creatures bounce all around me. 
They sing me songs of layers of personality. 
They want me to pick just one of them. 
They try to bribe me with tales of freedom. 

There is so much missing in my heart. 
There are so many worlds to explore that I ignore. 
Never taking time to allow myself to feel the sadness anymore. 
I just keep moving, keep telling myself it's all okay. 

I don't see what you see in me. 
Mirrors and pictures lie. 
You ask me how I could be so cold hearted. 
It's from those years ago, when I was so young. 

This is how he taught me to be to survive. 
And I grew up watching her turn from soft to hard. 
When she cries now, I feel nothing. 
Until her and I no longer speak. 

I don't understand you. 
And you will never understand me. 
But I still want you near me. 
I am here, come to me. 

Stifle

We wanted you to come with us.
We wanted to have some fun with you.
In thunderstorms we could have danced.
And making love making lightning electricity.

But you put a stop to that.
Brought what could have been lovely to a halt.
You are no fun, it's all business for you.
Take a break from being mean for once.

Lilly had the prettiest smile.
She invited passengers to ride on her train.
Going full speed with no end in sight.
You never had to get off, until you got off.

We asked you to join us in our songs.
Songs of passion, experience, and freedom.
You needed to stay in your prison.
Like we used to be, you are just too afraid.

Last call for explosions of desire, she said.
As she made one last stop.
All aboard, all aboard.
She didn't know when she would ever be back.

Fingernails dig into leather, into skin.
You will never forget and never forgive.
Twisted views in a dark, hard mind.
Your anger blinds your love.

Stifle
Stifle
Stifle

We feel so sorry for you.

If I Was Supposed To Be This Way

If I was supposed to be this way
Why wasn't I born with a harder heart
Why wasn't I born with a better body
Why wasn't I born with less conscience

All I want to do is drive
An open dark road calls me
The concept of karma has been left behind
No rules seem to apply here

If I was supposed to do this
Why can I not be stronger
Why do I have to feel so afraid
Why can't I just go through with it

Religious fears linger
Is there really a hell
Will it be worse over there
Will the loneliness be that of nightmares

If I was supposed to be this way
Why do I always feel like running
Why can't the path be more clear
Why do I not want to move one more muscle

Ever
Again

Colors

I probably found her by mistake one time. I don't remember clearly. But this time, I knew I wanted to choose her. She was so colorful, and I liked the way the dye made her taste. Even though her medicine sometimes scraped my throat as it went down, it was so delicious. She was there for me always. She never turned on me or suddenly mistook my kindness for needing her. She knew I could live just fine without her, just as I had before I found her. It was just that every now and again I needed to taste her salt and bitterness.

Trust

Those who know me even a little bit more than most probably already know I really don't trust anyone... Sure I trust certain people in certain aspects, but trusting someone wholeheartedly, no. I'm startting to wonder if the only way you can trust anything is just by trusting certain parts and pieces instead of the whole. Every day I learn a little more that not completely trusting anyone or anything is the best way to be. I prove it to myself, as well as others prove it to me. Nobody's perfect right... 

People lie. They lie and lie and lie. I have fucking lied to myself nearly my whole life, and I've gotten tired of it. In some ways I lie less than others, but I still lie too. I'm learning to recognize where I deceive myself. For the most part I am a pretty upfront person, I must say, but we all have things inside we are scared to face sometimes. Sometimes the way I observe others lying to me and themselves makes me physically ill. People who put on a charming facade who have manipulative and egotistical, self serving motives make me the sickest of all. 

I'm starting to recognize who the people are in my life who truly love and care for me, and it's about 1% of the people I know. I hope this doesn't offend anyone reading this, but let's be real here.... Do you honestly give a fuck if you ever see me again? Would it really make a difference in your life if I disappeared? That's what I thought. And you see, it's not the people who are friends/friendly acquaintances in that way that bother me... It's the people who attempt to build some sort of bond and trust with me, who in turn spit on that and disrespect my feelings, that piss me the fuck off. It's the people who love me until the next thing that excites them comes along, and then they will step on my feelings to get it. Yeah, it's the disregarders and the fucking fakes. 

So that brings me back to my (extremely valid and logical) trust issues that I have with 99% of the people I know.... That brings me back to one thought.... I am so thankful that I never truly invested myself into those people who I could have let myself invest in. I'm so glad I went through a few days of hurt to learn who they really are, as well as learning who truly cares and wants to help me on my life journey. And I'm so glad those fucking asshats helped me get just that much smarter and stronger. 

Some song lyrics come to mind: 

"Don't think cause I understand, I care. 
Don't think cause I'm talking we're friends." 
~Sneaker Pimps

Non-Poem

The love I feel is immeasureable 
But it is stifling 
As I imagine golden fields 
Warm winds 
My hair flies in circles around my face 
Allowing the sun's rays to engulf me 

As a darkness makes its way back to me 
Years of life have made me aware of its stealth 
I know you're there, waiting 

Trickles of self doubt and doubt in others 
Like raindrops in buckets, I hear your song 
They pull me this way and that 
Until I see a smile in your eyes 
And I could stay there forever

Decisions And Indecision

You make me reflective 
I can see into my past, my present, and future 
Seeing it all in this weird impossible way 
Are we impossible?

Maybe you know me more than I know myself 
But you don't know everything 
I will be back, but for now I go 
My light feels too bright for this place 

There is a wall here 
I think we are both putting it up 
All I feel I can do sometimes is watch you 
Watch and learn 

Fast fast then slow slow 
Easy gentle pace 
Decisions and Indecision 
And every day we get older and die a little more 

Sweep me away into the winds 
As I walk, sick and cold in the rain 
My destination makes all the hardship worth it 
And oh, the colors I see along the way 

So if you want my hand in yours 
Just reach out to me 
I can not make any promises 
But I will be here

Waking Life

Why does it haunt my dreams?
It has made a home inside of me
I'm not sure what to make of it
But it now lives in my heart

Night after night
Dream after dream
Day after day
I think of this

Range of emotions are like day and night
From orgasmic ecstasy to fear and loathing
To a comfort that only it can offer
And a place I want to go in my awake life

People say you can't control what you feel
You can only control what you do with what you feel
There was no stopping this
When something hits you like a freight train, there is no use in fighting

So as I spend so much time pondering, wondering, and then kicking myself in the ass
I look forward to another dream
I wonder what my mind will tell me about it this time
And I wonder what will become of my waking life

Thoughts

Originally written in May 2010.


I want to talk about limited states of mind....

As I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep, I am thankful that the annoying cough I had earlier has subsided. I wonder what's up with these damn allergies. My second thoughts are of the one I am losing... I wonder what they are doing. Then of my upcoming day and evening.

Then I stop.
Then I see an image.
Then I read some information.
I begin to think about everything I woke up and thought about in a new way.

I think of a conversation my oldest sister and I had when I was 20 years old about how certain humans could possibly be only capable to reach a certain mental, emotional, and spiritual level of progress in their lifetime. At the time, I didn't apply already existing religious beliefs to my ideas about life. They were thoughts that came naturally without being influenced by other sounds, images, and information. It wasn't about searching and picking to put a name on something that makes the most sense to me based on what I already think and feel, and it's not today either. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I have had my dabbling in such things, but it just puts a cap on thought in my opinion.... Who needs that? I guess some people do, but not me. I must admit, there have been times when I could not focus, and I felt so lost that I reached out to somewhat organized beliefs. There is nothing wrong with borrowing ideas from other sources to grow either. When you find yourself stuck, taking advice and listening to others ideas to identify with other human minds can be so healing, and steer you toward your own path again. Quite often as soon as I felt I had gotten the wisdom, and as soon as I had built up my own personal strength again to continue on my journey, I have always carried on, on my own. I know this will happen again and again as we are a planet of cycles. It's human nature for some of us to draw similar conclusions on aspects of life. And no one owns thoughts.

Admitting a wrong is tricky. Admitting defeat is trickier. Many people feel that a hard long look in the mirror and personal change is excruciating, and they avoid it at all costs. Some only look at what they selectively choose to fix, leaving the stuff that seems too big to wrap their heads around alone. Denial can be quite the tricky entity, but I think those of us who have truly looked it in the eye and said, "Hey fucker, who the hell do you think you are, lying to me about me?! Fuck off!" feel such a sense of relief when we let go, and face the truth that our minds and bodies truly want us to know. When we don't need our denial and resentments as our shields anymore, I think these are the moments when we are really free. Fear, resentments, and hurt feelings melt away... It just doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things. People love each other. People hurt each other. People scar. And people heal. It's all part of the process, and if we want to embrace it and keep learning more and more about ourselves, human nature, and the world we live in, then we embrace it openly, lovingly, and with strength.

That is all...
For now.

Drunken Half Poetry

Do you remember all those nights?
When You made fun of me and I made fun of you?
When they put a dead rat on my doorstep?
You thought it was a sign
But it was just all the nonsensical ones
It gave us a laugh

Where have you been, my fire headed love?
Tried to own and posses, but I ran.
I always run in the end
Greatness is known in you
And we all missed you
But the love...
The love scares me.

I'm always right around the corner.
Turn around and I will be there.
1,000 miles or more away,
I am always with you.

Gypsy at heart, I will go
But I will want to come back to the home that is you
It's not easy, but it's undeniable.
Please understand and don't be upset with me
Pack up the furries in bags and boxes
Take me away
Teleport me to the European countryside.

Poetry with no rhythm... With so much rhythm.

Just me, I'm going.
Everyone is a stranger.
Everyone is a friend.

Those Who Lift, And Those Who Shove

Some people try to hold and shove you down beneath where they think they are because they feel so low themselves already.  Perhaps it is subconcious thinking of them.  Perhaps they simply think you do not deserve to be on their elite level of existence.  Regardless, they are a bunch of fuckers.

I remember when I felt like a queen and expressed it, and someone told me I was not one.  They said I was not even a princess.  A friend would never say that to another, so that was the first moment I realized they were not really my friend.  Why not let someone have their moment to feel confident and secure?  Why be so cruel?  Good thing I recognized this, and it did not bring my spirit down.

Some people are so extremely self-centered and insecure that they can not deal with anything not going exactly their way.  You try and try to do right by them despite nasty little verbal jabs throughout the friendship, letting it roll off your back until they go too far, and you have no choice but to stand up for yourself.  At this, they get even more nasty, treating you in a way you would not even allow an enemy to treat you..  At which point you become very hurt and blunt about how they are behaving...  Still they twist it so you are the bad guy because they simply can dish, but not take it.

Some people will lie and sneak to please everyone.  They don't think others can tell what they are doing, but we know.  I have never been able to be this kind of person....  I would rather look like a megabitch who is honest and real than someone who lies to people they love in this way.

BUT

There are those people who try to lift you up out there.

The ones who will kindly tell you like they see it when they think you need to hear it.

The ones who will never intentionally harm you, and if they ever do inadvertently, they are strong and mature enough to apologize and say they made a mistake.

The ones who will go out of their way for you when you are in trouble and need help, even when it is slightly inconvenient for them because they truly care about your well being.

The ones who you can relax with and be yourself with no matter what that is because you know they accept all of who you are.

And the ones who aren't afraid to accept your love, and who see it as genuine and real.

To those who are harmful, I bid you a fine farewell.  There is no room for you here.

And to those who want the best things for me, I will always have an open door for you.

Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns

If you didn't know it.

If you were too fucked up in your own little world to see it.

If you are too stuck in your skewed perception to see it coming...

Then fuck you.

I used to cry.

I used to care.

I used to think others cared for me.

But none of that even matters.

Egocentric little fucks.

Everything is about how great we are

Oh my god, let me tell you how great I am....

Barf.

I offer no apologies.

You behaved as if you wanted to play with the big people.

Then the big people didn't do everything you wanted, and you acted like a little kid.

Then the big people squash you.

You're worthless to me, and you need to grow some respect.

Until then.....  Rot or learn....  I don't care.

I'm done with you.

I have more important matters to attend to.