One month has passed since I have held your hand.
One month has passed since I touched your skin.
One month has passed since I kissed those lips.
One month has passed since I looked into your eyes.
Tonight we reunite in love.
We learn so much about each other from miles away.
We express our ups and downs, our pasts and our dreams.
We share our fears and our flaws, and never waiver in our love.
We see each other for who we are, and we make a commitment to never be apart.
Soon, we will never be apart.
Two months have passed since I first said your name.
Two months have passed since I became swept off my feet.
Two months have passed and I am still flying.
Two months have passed and I fall more deeply each day.
Thank you for reaching out to me.
5 nights full of romance and love.
4 days full of sharing and learning.
Then we only have to wait two more weeks until we begin our new chapter.
I can only hope it will be the book that tells the story of the rest of our lives together.
I love you dearly.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
My One
Could this really be happening?
Could my dreams really be coming true?
So many years in waiting.
A life full of hoping.
Could you be the one?
My one and only?
The one that matches me in all the ways that make us fit like a heart shaped puzzle?
Emotion.
Passion.
Intellect.
Desire.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Humor.
Inspiration.
Compassion.
Chemistry.
We operate on all compatible levels in all these things.
You have so much that I am pulled toward.
I never knew what could ignite this fire in me.
You ignite a spark that has been waiting for your flame.
One touch from your fiery wing and I was set ablaze.
Take flight with me and we will soar.
There is nothing we can't achieve.
In life, in love, envision, emancipated.
Freedom in union.
Please be my One.
Could my dreams really be coming true?
So many years in waiting.
A life full of hoping.
Could you be the one?
My one and only?
The one that matches me in all the ways that make us fit like a heart shaped puzzle?
Emotion.
Passion.
Intellect.
Desire.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Humor.
Inspiration.
Compassion.
Chemistry.
We operate on all compatible levels in all these things.
You have so much that I am pulled toward.
I never knew what could ignite this fire in me.
You ignite a spark that has been waiting for your flame.
One touch from your fiery wing and I was set ablaze.
Take flight with me and we will soar.
There is nothing we can't achieve.
In life, in love, envision, emancipated.
Freedom in union.
Please be my One.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Two Weeks
Waiting to meet the one who feels like my dream love.
Every day waking up with a sense of being cared for and admired.
Every day waking up and feeling so full of love and desire for this person.
This dream is a reality, and my reality is a dream.
Two weeks until we meet face to face to really know.
Two weeks until we know if our future hopes can seem like a real possibility.
We share so much and are so honest.
We embrace the passion and the depth of our connection.
We are both a little scared, and we know it's moving fast.
But we can not fight what feels so right.
I can not imagine a day without hearing their voice now.
I know I always want them in my life.
I feel I want them as my partner for life.
But we will wait two weeks to hold hands.
So much we can share and do together.
Side by side and intertwined in support and love.
I want nothing more than to kiss their lips, feel their touch.
I can hardly wait, but I wait.
I wait to hold you in my arms, my love.
I wait to look into your eyes as I hear your voice.
I wait to see how you look when you laugh.
I wait to show you, finally, how very much I care.
Two weeks.
Every day waking up with a sense of being cared for and admired.
Every day waking up and feeling so full of love and desire for this person.
This dream is a reality, and my reality is a dream.
Two weeks until we meet face to face to really know.
Two weeks until we know if our future hopes can seem like a real possibility.
We share so much and are so honest.
We embrace the passion and the depth of our connection.
We are both a little scared, and we know it's moving fast.
But we can not fight what feels so right.
I can not imagine a day without hearing their voice now.
I know I always want them in my life.
I feel I want them as my partner for life.
But we will wait two weeks to hold hands.
So much we can share and do together.
Side by side and intertwined in support and love.
I want nothing more than to kiss their lips, feel their touch.
I can hardly wait, but I wait.
I wait to hold you in my arms, my love.
I wait to look into your eyes as I hear your voice.
I wait to see how you look when you laugh.
I wait to show you, finally, how very much I care.
Two weeks.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Everything
They always say amazing things will come along when you least expect it. Well, I did not expect you at all. I am floored, amazed, and full of wonder. I am smitten and I want to tell the world about how amazing you are. I want this to be it. I need you to be it. I have been ready and waiting for you. You came at the oddest time, but I quickly saw that it was the right time.
You have your process, and I have mine. I will respect it, but I want this to be real more than I have wanted anything before. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever met.
The things you say are like soy butter. The way you look ignites fires that have never been lit before. Your voice makes me speechless, and like a little school girl with a crush. With all the songs that make me think of you, you need your own playlist.
Your eyes and heart are open just like mine. You have so much kindness and caring inside of you to share. I feel like I could tell you anything, and you would never fault me or judge. You think and feel things on so many levels. I get you. I want to share so much with you. Every day can be a beautiful and epic adventure. There is so much to learn, to feel, to experience to the fullest.
You asked me if I believe in soul mates. I knew what you meant.
I'll bring my toothbrush and my parachute and never look back.
Every moment I am thanking the universe lately.
I will never take one second of you in my life for granted.
I will never run from you or this.
I want to get lost in you as you get lost in me.
And even when we are living our separate lives we will still be connected.
In love, in admiration, in respect, intertwined.
You are so beautiful.
Come to me and let me show this all to you.
Everything and anything for you.
http://youtu.be/7TU8FOsoLc8
You have your process, and I have mine. I will respect it, but I want this to be real more than I have wanted anything before. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever met.
The things you say are like soy butter. The way you look ignites fires that have never been lit before. Your voice makes me speechless, and like a little school girl with a crush. With all the songs that make me think of you, you need your own playlist.
Your eyes and heart are open just like mine. You have so much kindness and caring inside of you to share. I feel like I could tell you anything, and you would never fault me or judge. You think and feel things on so many levels. I get you. I want to share so much with you. Every day can be a beautiful and epic adventure. There is so much to learn, to feel, to experience to the fullest.
You asked me if I believe in soul mates. I knew what you meant.
I'll bring my toothbrush and my parachute and never look back.
Every moment I am thanking the universe lately.
I will never take one second of you in my life for granted.
I will never run from you or this.
I want to get lost in you as you get lost in me.
And even when we are living our separate lives we will still be connected.
In love, in admiration, in respect, intertwined.
You are so beautiful.
Come to me and let me show this all to you.
Everything and anything for you.
http://youtu.be/7TU8FOsoLc8
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Anxiety
I'm sick of it, but should I be thankful for it? Everything new gives it to me. It blocks my ability to tell if the change is bad or good. I guess I should just accept that it's change, and doesn't have to be bad or good. I initially think something is good when it enters my life. Then without much reason, the second thoughts enter. Don't freak out, Kim... It's just fucking life.
So many changes. So much new. So many possibilities. I can not let myself sabotage anymore. Embrace this shit, girl, but see it with open eyes. See it with your wise eyes. See it with your patient eyes. You have all these eyes. Just go one step at a time. One moment at a time. One day at a time.
Keeping 3rd shift hours. For now it's for fun. Soon it will be necessity. I'm tired. It's intense. I love it. Being on that level is astounding and surprising. The universe just plopped you down in my lap. I am not sure what to make of it with my recent past, but I am glad and so thankful you are here. Where will it go from here is the unknown. So much is new and foreign. But foreign doesn't always mean it's bad. I can feel myself changing and evolving. It happens slowly, and I must be patient with myself and everyone and everything. Then I look at the big picture, and I see that it is happening very rapidly as well. Words really can't express all the variables properly that I see and feel. I used to say I knew what I looked for, and I stuck with it. Now, it has changed so dramatically that I wonder what else I had been hiding from myself. It's almost orgasmic in a way. It also makes me scared like a kitten in a new home.
Oh life. You are a funny and fickle lover. I love you at times and hate you at others, and then at times I just go with it and live you. Can I trust you, lover? I don't think I have a choice. I am tired of not believing in you. I will be here until I am not. Might as well just let go and live you fully.
So many changes. So much new. So many possibilities. I can not let myself sabotage anymore. Embrace this shit, girl, but see it with open eyes. See it with your wise eyes. See it with your patient eyes. You have all these eyes. Just go one step at a time. One moment at a time. One day at a time.
Keeping 3rd shift hours. For now it's for fun. Soon it will be necessity. I'm tired. It's intense. I love it. Being on that level is astounding and surprising. The universe just plopped you down in my lap. I am not sure what to make of it with my recent past, but I am glad and so thankful you are here. Where will it go from here is the unknown. So much is new and foreign. But foreign doesn't always mean it's bad. I can feel myself changing and evolving. It happens slowly, and I must be patient with myself and everyone and everything. Then I look at the big picture, and I see that it is happening very rapidly as well. Words really can't express all the variables properly that I see and feel. I used to say I knew what I looked for, and I stuck with it. Now, it has changed so dramatically that I wonder what else I had been hiding from myself. It's almost orgasmic in a way. It also makes me scared like a kitten in a new home.
Oh life. You are a funny and fickle lover. I love you at times and hate you at others, and then at times I just go with it and live you. Can I trust you, lover? I don't think I have a choice. I am tired of not believing in you. I will be here until I am not. Might as well just let go and live you fully.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
My Gift
It comes from a place so primal in me that I can not quite place it.
It comes from a land that I have never seen or set foot in.
It comes from a place where no one would call me authentic.
But I feel it so deeply as it moves me.
Patterns of drums, snaky reed pipes, chiming of zils, strumming of ouds make me divulge in ecstasy.
I lose myself in this world, and enter another where my body is the music.
No stage will ever see me this way.
No one may ever see me this way.
It is just the music and me, alone.
It is the music and me, together.
It is the world, the universe, and me in total harmony.
"There is another level of awesomeness?" She asked.
"The only way anyone will ever see it is if they plant a hidden camera in my home and are very patient", I replied.
"The world needs to see this," she said.
I can only smile inside and say thank you to her.
All I have learned is in me and manifests through fluid movement effortlessly.
All that I feel comes pouring out of me in stories that are never spoken.
Just listen to us.
Just watch us.
Just feel us.
Just come dance with us.
Make music with us.
It has been with me since birth.
So many avenues led me back to it.
It is a destiny of mine that lives whether I want it to or not.
So much education and experiments have enhanced it in me.
Even when I stop, I never really stop.
It comes from a land that I have never seen or set foot in.
It comes from a place where no one would call me authentic.
But I feel it so deeply as it moves me.
Patterns of drums, snaky reed pipes, chiming of zils, strumming of ouds make me divulge in ecstasy.
I lose myself in this world, and enter another where my body is the music.
No stage will ever see me this way.
No one may ever see me this way.
It is just the music and me, alone.
It is the music and me, together.
It is the world, the universe, and me in total harmony.
"There is another level of awesomeness?" She asked.
"The only way anyone will ever see it is if they plant a hidden camera in my home and are very patient", I replied.
"The world needs to see this," she said.
I can only smile inside and say thank you to her.
All I have learned is in me and manifests through fluid movement effortlessly.
All that I feel comes pouring out of me in stories that are never spoken.
Just listen to us.
Just watch us.
Just feel us.
Just come dance with us.
Make music with us.
It has been with me since birth.
So many avenues led me back to it.
It is a destiny of mine that lives whether I want it to or not.
So much education and experiments have enhanced it in me.
Even when I stop, I never really stop.
The Refresher
He, she, they, ze, hir, it doesn't matter to me. A pronoun is just a pronoun.
She caused so many shifts in me. I have already learned so much from her.
I like your face and eyes beneath your glasses.
I like your lips and your nose.
I love your hair, and your boyish ways with such a beautiful feminine face.
I like dreaming of what is under your clothes.
I like the way you tell a story and excite.
I am scared and unsure, but that is okay.
I believe in possibilities too.
I believe in romantic stories about cabins in the woods.
I believe in cultured cities.
I believe in performance arts.
I believe in fluid and effortless exchange of affection.
I believe in growing together.
I believe in helping save people.
I believe in learning skills to save ourselves.
I am so grateful to the universe that you came along when you did.
I needed the distraction and the attention.
I longed for the sweetness and flattery.
You delivered beyond what I could have wished for.
I feel refreshed, and like I can get up now.
I feel a little more inspired and positive than I did yesterday.
I am working toward not being so fearful of the future.
I am working toward not being so trapped by my past.
Yesterday I thought it was all just more bad karma I was working off.
Today I think that even if it is bad karma, I can make it good karma by being open to learn from it.
Thank you, my Phoenix, for helping me rise again.
You came at the perfect moment.
Monday, June 10, 2013
180
The way I see it, I've been mind fucked. I'm trying so hard to be nice and diplomatic, understanding, and I'm trying not to place blame, but my feelings are hurt and raging. When I look back on the beginning, progression, and then the dissolution, I am just taken aback. Yeah, I made mistakes. Yeah, I'm not perfect. But I was damn good, and she knows it. Or maybe she doesn't.
I think of all the things she said to me. Are they truth? Are they excuses? Are they her own inability to take a good, long look at herself? Is she too emotionally stifled? Is she selfish? Am I selfish? Am I just too damn mentally damaged to keep someone wanting to be with me? Am I fucking crazy? Like, I know I have issues, but am I a level of crazy to where I can't even see it, but everyone else does?
She said she knew she was lucky. She said she couldn't let me get away. She said she would show appreciation every chance she got. Then she did the 180. Is she just shallow? Did my flaws in my own life that had nothing to do with her turn her off so easily?
I wanted a caring, smooth, easy, loving exchange between us. That is all. It was too heavy for her. I was too serious and needy for her. She stopped having fun with me. I got to see all the fun she has with her friends that I was not invited to be part of. I became the ball and chain so fucking quickly. What the fuck?
She talked condescendingly to me just like a Taurus. Reminding me of my father and sister, who I love dearly, but who think they are so in the know, that they miss what they need to learn at times.
How could she like me so much one week, and then not the next? Did I change that much without realizing it?
Dangle a beautiful carrot in front of my face, why don't you? Make me think that we could build something beautiful together, then rip it from me.
I really hope it all works out for her with her goals and dreams. I really hope she can fulfill everything she needs to in her life. I really hope she can find a true love one day being the way she is with her emotion and romance stifling. We all want a love, don't we? Isn't it human nature to crave that connection with another? She seemed to be so into it at first too. We seemed to get each other, click on the levels we needed to, to make it work, then BAM! A door gets slammed in my fucking face, and she behaves almost like a total stranger to me.
I can't help thinking that one day she may see that I was a really good thing for her, and want to give it another shot. I can't help but to hope that she will see that I wasn't something to get in her way, but to aid her in her progression in life. I guess those are natural recently dumped feelings. I keep wanting to simply hold her again, to kiss her again. I want to feel her skin again, and make love to her. I just want to hold her hand and look into her eyes.
But she has no time or energy for me. We all make time and energy for what we want to no matter how busy we are. She simply doesn't want me in her life for the reasons she told me, I suppose, and probably more that she will never tell me because it would hurt me even more. She had no good reason to leave me except her own shortcomings and our differences, but I know she doesn't see her shortcomings as shortcomings. I was willing to work on mine to be with her and make her content in being with me. I was willing to be open to change, growth, and to meet her halfway. She wasn't.
She just doesn't want me anymore, and doesn't like me that way anymore. Plain and simple. It's the hardest thing to accept, but probably the truth. She doesn't think I'm beautiful, great, sweet, kind, caring, and supportive like she said she did. I am just another thing to move out of her way so she can continue on her journey that I am not welcome in anymore.
I feel so low. Being dumped fucking sucks. I'm not trying to be some wise fucking sage. I am human, and this fucking hurts.
I've lost everything I was working on in my life right now, including her. No school, no job, no dance, no love.
If I had the energy to get out of bed, I would punch something.
I think of all the things she said to me. Are they truth? Are they excuses? Are they her own inability to take a good, long look at herself? Is she too emotionally stifled? Is she selfish? Am I selfish? Am I just too damn mentally damaged to keep someone wanting to be with me? Am I fucking crazy? Like, I know I have issues, but am I a level of crazy to where I can't even see it, but everyone else does?
She said she knew she was lucky. She said she couldn't let me get away. She said she would show appreciation every chance she got. Then she did the 180. Is she just shallow? Did my flaws in my own life that had nothing to do with her turn her off so easily?
I wanted a caring, smooth, easy, loving exchange between us. That is all. It was too heavy for her. I was too serious and needy for her. She stopped having fun with me. I got to see all the fun she has with her friends that I was not invited to be part of. I became the ball and chain so fucking quickly. What the fuck?
She talked condescendingly to me just like a Taurus. Reminding me of my father and sister, who I love dearly, but who think they are so in the know, that they miss what they need to learn at times.
How could she like me so much one week, and then not the next? Did I change that much without realizing it?
Dangle a beautiful carrot in front of my face, why don't you? Make me think that we could build something beautiful together, then rip it from me.
I really hope it all works out for her with her goals and dreams. I really hope she can fulfill everything she needs to in her life. I really hope she can find a true love one day being the way she is with her emotion and romance stifling. We all want a love, don't we? Isn't it human nature to crave that connection with another? She seemed to be so into it at first too. We seemed to get each other, click on the levels we needed to, to make it work, then BAM! A door gets slammed in my fucking face, and she behaves almost like a total stranger to me.
I can't help thinking that one day she may see that I was a really good thing for her, and want to give it another shot. I can't help but to hope that she will see that I wasn't something to get in her way, but to aid her in her progression in life. I guess those are natural recently dumped feelings. I keep wanting to simply hold her again, to kiss her again. I want to feel her skin again, and make love to her. I just want to hold her hand and look into her eyes.
But she has no time or energy for me. We all make time and energy for what we want to no matter how busy we are. She simply doesn't want me in her life for the reasons she told me, I suppose, and probably more that she will never tell me because it would hurt me even more. She had no good reason to leave me except her own shortcomings and our differences, but I know she doesn't see her shortcomings as shortcomings. I was willing to work on mine to be with her and make her content in being with me. I was willing to be open to change, growth, and to meet her halfway. She wasn't.
She just doesn't want me anymore, and doesn't like me that way anymore. Plain and simple. It's the hardest thing to accept, but probably the truth. She doesn't think I'm beautiful, great, sweet, kind, caring, and supportive like she said she did. I am just another thing to move out of her way so she can continue on her journey that I am not welcome in anymore.
I feel so low. Being dumped fucking sucks. I'm not trying to be some wise fucking sage. I am human, and this fucking hurts.
I've lost everything I was working on in my life right now, including her. No school, no job, no dance, no love.
If I had the energy to get out of bed, I would punch something.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Friends
This world is so cold.
I just need some warmth at the end of the day.
Everyone wants the surface.
I need something deep.
Everything keeps us so busy.
I just want time to breathe.
Everyone is so visually stimulated.
But I need to be heard.
I haven't had any friends in many years. Well, it all depends on your perception of friends. I consider a friend to be someone who you can lean on each other in times of need. Someone who doesn't judge you or run away when they see you aren't perfect or just what they decided to see you as, as an image. Someone who you can laugh with, cry with, and who truly cares about you unconditionally. I feel that way about those I consider friends, but it hasn't been reciprocated too much. I have had so many who offer friendship, only to prove that they are only in it because you are someone "cool" to know at a specific, fleeting amount of time. You know, until the next really cool and neat person comes into the scene or their vision. I have had a lot of people want to be my good friend because they were romantically interested in me also. Then, when they finally realize that all I will offer them is friendship, and I'm not going to "come around", they decide that they don't like me anymore. And even today, many people who care to take time to listen as a friend only seem to have ulterior motives. I wish I had at least one friend who I knew just liked me for me, and didn't have a desire to date me. (Don't get me wrong, I am very flattered and honored to be desirable to people. I wouldn't wish for being undesirable at all!) I guess I'll just keep taking what I can get, and accept the double edged sword. It could be much worse. I, however, will keeps walls up with them as I know the love is conditional.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I more flawed than the average person? Is it really that once someone gets to know me, they see that I am just too flawed to deal with? Too sensitive? Too dark at times? I don't think that I ask for much from people. Just an ear or a shoulder when times are tougher than others. Times are always tough on some levels. I try to see the bright side, and not be a burden. But it really hurts when you are there for someone when they need to vent for hours for days in a row, when you spend your energy and time letting them know you care, and offering words of support, only for them to not do the same for you when your weak time comes... It fucking hurts!
At this point in my life, I have two friends that I can really talk to about life's ups and downs freely. They never push me away, make me feel bad in any way, and they truly show they care. They both also have expressed romantic interest in me at some point in time, but they have also both still stuck around, without me wanting to date them, for more than a year. So, I think they may be real friends, but I also know that they may decide to not be my friend at any point and time as well. Everything is fleeting in life anyway.
Oddly enough, and in a bit of contrast to all I have just written, I really like the feeling of having that kind of friendship with a significant other as well. It really does feel like the best kind of friendship when you can totally be yourself with the person you are romantically interested it, and they can with you too. When you feel like you both care enough to freely express a sort of unconditional love. I'm not sure if any dating or relationship can be unconditional 100%, but my hopeful side likes to tell me it's possible. The feeling of coming home to someone who has warmth for you, regardless of a good or bad day, is priceless. The feeling of someone who says, "So tell me about your day. How was it?" and they really want to hear, is wonderful. Someone who doesn't think all the little silly things you do or say are a bother. Someone who sees you as beautiful for not only how you look or what you can give them, but for who you are, is such a remarkable gift. These are the things I seek, as well as try to offer to someone.
But sometimes I am forced to squash my hopes and dreams this way. When I am, it seems to come back to this:
We are so cold.
I just need some warmth.
We keep it all so surface.
I need something deep.
External life keeps us so busy.
I just want time to feel the experience of life.
We exist in questioning.
I just want love.
And it always brings me back to this one song year after year.
I just need some warmth at the end of the day.
Everyone wants the surface.
I need something deep.
Everything keeps us so busy.
I just want time to breathe.
Everyone is so visually stimulated.
But I need to be heard.
I haven't had any friends in many years. Well, it all depends on your perception of friends. I consider a friend to be someone who you can lean on each other in times of need. Someone who doesn't judge you or run away when they see you aren't perfect or just what they decided to see you as, as an image. Someone who you can laugh with, cry with, and who truly cares about you unconditionally. I feel that way about those I consider friends, but it hasn't been reciprocated too much. I have had so many who offer friendship, only to prove that they are only in it because you are someone "cool" to know at a specific, fleeting amount of time. You know, until the next really cool and neat person comes into the scene or their vision. I have had a lot of people want to be my good friend because they were romantically interested in me also. Then, when they finally realize that all I will offer them is friendship, and I'm not going to "come around", they decide that they don't like me anymore. And even today, many people who care to take time to listen as a friend only seem to have ulterior motives. I wish I had at least one friend who I knew just liked me for me, and didn't have a desire to date me. (Don't get me wrong, I am very flattered and honored to be desirable to people. I wouldn't wish for being undesirable at all!) I guess I'll just keep taking what I can get, and accept the double edged sword. It could be much worse. I, however, will keeps walls up with them as I know the love is conditional.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I more flawed than the average person? Is it really that once someone gets to know me, they see that I am just too flawed to deal with? Too sensitive? Too dark at times? I don't think that I ask for much from people. Just an ear or a shoulder when times are tougher than others. Times are always tough on some levels. I try to see the bright side, and not be a burden. But it really hurts when you are there for someone when they need to vent for hours for days in a row, when you spend your energy and time letting them know you care, and offering words of support, only for them to not do the same for you when your weak time comes... It fucking hurts!
At this point in my life, I have two friends that I can really talk to about life's ups and downs freely. They never push me away, make me feel bad in any way, and they truly show they care. They both also have expressed romantic interest in me at some point in time, but they have also both still stuck around, without me wanting to date them, for more than a year. So, I think they may be real friends, but I also know that they may decide to not be my friend at any point and time as well. Everything is fleeting in life anyway.
Oddly enough, and in a bit of contrast to all I have just written, I really like the feeling of having that kind of friendship with a significant other as well. It really does feel like the best kind of friendship when you can totally be yourself with the person you are romantically interested it, and they can with you too. When you feel like you both care enough to freely express a sort of unconditional love. I'm not sure if any dating or relationship can be unconditional 100%, but my hopeful side likes to tell me it's possible. The feeling of coming home to someone who has warmth for you, regardless of a good or bad day, is priceless. The feeling of someone who says, "So tell me about your day. How was it?" and they really want to hear, is wonderful. Someone who doesn't think all the little silly things you do or say are a bother. Someone who sees you as beautiful for not only how you look or what you can give them, but for who you are, is such a remarkable gift. These are the things I seek, as well as try to offer to someone.
But sometimes I am forced to squash my hopes and dreams this way. When I am, it seems to come back to this:
We are so cold.
I just need some warmth.
We keep it all so surface.
I need something deep.
External life keeps us so busy.
I just want time to feel the experience of life.
We exist in questioning.
I just want love.
And it always brings me back to this one song year after year.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Just Some Of Today's Thoughts
Originally written on Jan. 21, 2011.
What some people misunderstand about me is that I'm not a fem-nazi or a man hater. I am just a strong woman. I'm not a tough girl, but strong from inside. I have my own path, and I know it is right for me. Even when I am unsure about something in my life I still sense the core of my being, and I believe in that. I am aware of my weaknesses always, and do not shy from my demons or personal struggles. I am a work in progress always, and I never want to stop being that. When you stop learning you start dying inside in the ways that you need so much to be alive to survive this life on this plane.
My dance name, Infiniti, is based on these ideas. It has been my personal path ever since I can remember. It was pointed out to me by a long lost friend that I was Infinity Girl in the mid 90s. Nothing ever rang more true in my being when this was expressed to me, and it still rings sound within me just the same.
I love all of you who I have a strong bond with in one way or another. I cherish you, and am so glad to have you be part of my life path. I am so grateful to those of you who share some of your path with me as well. I wish I could see you all more often to share more smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughs, but just thinking of you makes me happy as well.
It's surreal when your friends die... Gerald and Charity died within a month of each other in 2009. Gerald was a great guy, so funny and one helluva guitarist.
Charity and I were closer. We shared so many similarities and so many differences. We flattered each other, comforted each other, we clashed occasionally, but we ended up talking it out. Damn, I remember we had only one huge argument in the 10 years we were friends. She didn't talk to me for a couple months. Then one warm spring day, there was a knock on my door. We talked and shared for an hour on the front porch. It warmed my heart that she cared as much as she did about our friendship. Sometimes I was not a good friend to her, and for that I will forever be sorry...
Most people were very intimidated by her demeanor. She was a true tough girl. Tough as damn nails on the outside and inside, that one. But I could see her heart and her hurt as I could my own, and I always tried to just be there for her to talk to when she felt like letting the tough walls down to share. Fuck, I miss her face so much....
If I could have only seen Chris's face in person one last time after all these years. If I could only have felt that indention in his skull that was so damn freaky feeling one last time... But at least I got to know that amazing man, and share some great conversations with him at all. At least he got to see that I was living my passion in dance and using my creative energies before he was taken from us. He seemed proud of me. I cherish that. I am proud of him for leaving such a legacy in the Charlotte underground artist scene. I am proud of him for being so kind and gentle, and for knowing just how to use that along with his will and intelligence in such an articulate way.
In closing, I want those of you who have shared some of your lives with me to know I love you and cherish you more than you may ever know.
<3
Now
These unchartered waters seem so familiar.
Taking me back to a time, a place that has been dormant for years.
This may be too much for me to handle,
But I can't turn away.
I'm stuck in this place, in this life for now.
I gather supplies and hoard feelings.
I will share some with you,
But only some....
Monsters and creatures bounce all around me.
They sing me songs of layers of personality.
They want me to pick just one of them.
They try to bribe me with tales of freedom.
There is so much missing in my heart.
There are so many worlds to explore that I ignore.
Never taking time to allow myself to feel the sadness anymore.
I just keep moving, keep telling myself it's all okay.
I don't see what you see in me.
Mirrors and pictures lie.
You ask me how I could be so cold hearted.
It's from those years ago, when I was so young.
This is how he taught me to be to survive.
And I grew up watching her turn from soft to hard.
When she cries now, I feel nothing.
Until her and I no longer speak.
I don't understand you.
And you will never understand me.
But I still want you near me.
I am here, come to me.
Taking me back to a time, a place that has been dormant for years.
This may be too much for me to handle,
But I can't turn away.
I'm stuck in this place, in this life for now.
I gather supplies and hoard feelings.
I will share some with you,
But only some....
Monsters and creatures bounce all around me.
They sing me songs of layers of personality.
They want me to pick just one of them.
They try to bribe me with tales of freedom.
There is so much missing in my heart.
There are so many worlds to explore that I ignore.
Never taking time to allow myself to feel the sadness anymore.
I just keep moving, keep telling myself it's all okay.
I don't see what you see in me.
Mirrors and pictures lie.
You ask me how I could be so cold hearted.
It's from those years ago, when I was so young.
This is how he taught me to be to survive.
And I grew up watching her turn from soft to hard.
When she cries now, I feel nothing.
Until her and I no longer speak.
I don't understand you.
And you will never understand me.
But I still want you near me.
I am here, come to me.
Stifle
We wanted you to come with us.
We wanted to have some fun with you.
In thunderstorms we could have danced.
And making love making lightning electricity.
But you put a stop to that.
Brought what could have been lovely to a halt.
You are no fun, it's all business for you.
Take a break from being mean for once.
Lilly had the prettiest smile.
She invited passengers to ride on her train.
Going full speed with no end in sight.
You never had to get off, until you got off.
We asked you to join us in our songs.
Songs of passion, experience, and freedom.
You needed to stay in your prison.
Like we used to be, you are just too afraid.
Last call for explosions of desire, she said.
As she made one last stop.
All aboard, all aboard.
She didn't know when she would ever be back.
Fingernails dig into leather, into skin.
You will never forget and never forgive.
Twisted views in a dark, hard mind.
Your anger blinds your love.
Stifle
Stifle
Stifle
We feel so sorry for you.
We wanted to have some fun with you.
In thunderstorms we could have danced.
And making love making lightning electricity.
But you put a stop to that.
Brought what could have been lovely to a halt.
You are no fun, it's all business for you.
Take a break from being mean for once.
Lilly had the prettiest smile.
She invited passengers to ride on her train.
Going full speed with no end in sight.
You never had to get off, until you got off.
We asked you to join us in our songs.
Songs of passion, experience, and freedom.
You needed to stay in your prison.
Like we used to be, you are just too afraid.
Last call for explosions of desire, she said.
As she made one last stop.
All aboard, all aboard.
She didn't know when she would ever be back.
Fingernails dig into leather, into skin.
You will never forget and never forgive.
Twisted views in a dark, hard mind.
Your anger blinds your love.
Stifle
Stifle
Stifle
We feel so sorry for you.
If I Was Supposed To Be This Way
If I was supposed to be this way
Why wasn't I born with a harder heart
Why wasn't I born with a better body
Why wasn't I born with less conscience
All I want to do is drive
An open dark road calls me
The concept of karma has been left behind
No rules seem to apply here
If I was supposed to do this
Why can I not be stronger
Why do I have to feel so afraid
Why can't I just go through with it
Religious fears linger
Is there really a hell
Will it be worse over there
Will the loneliness be that of nightmares
If I was supposed to be this way
Why do I always feel like running
Why can't the path be more clear
Why do I not want to move one more muscle
Ever
Again
Why wasn't I born with a harder heart
Why wasn't I born with a better body
Why wasn't I born with less conscience
All I want to do is drive
An open dark road calls me
The concept of karma has been left behind
No rules seem to apply here
If I was supposed to do this
Why can I not be stronger
Why do I have to feel so afraid
Why can't I just go through with it
Religious fears linger
Is there really a hell
Will it be worse over there
Will the loneliness be that of nightmares
If I was supposed to be this way
Why do I always feel like running
Why can't the path be more clear
Why do I not want to move one more muscle
Ever
Again
Colors
I probably found her by mistake one time. I don't remember clearly. But this time, I knew I wanted to choose her. She was so colorful, and I liked the way the dye made her taste. Even though her medicine sometimes scraped my throat as it went down, it was so delicious. She was there for me always. She never turned on me or suddenly mistook my kindness for needing her. She knew I could live just fine without her, just as I had before I found her. It was just that every now and again I needed to taste her salt and bitterness.
Trust
Those who know me even a little bit more than most probably already know I really don't trust anyone... Sure I trust certain people in certain aspects, but trusting someone wholeheartedly, no. I'm startting to wonder if the only way you can trust anything is just by trusting certain parts and pieces instead of the whole. Every day I learn a little more that not completely trusting anyone or anything is the best way to be. I prove it to myself, as well as others prove it to me. Nobody's perfect right...
People lie. They lie and lie and lie. I have fucking lied to myself nearly my whole life, and I've gotten tired of it. In some ways I lie less than others, but I still lie too. I'm learning to recognize where I deceive myself. For the most part I am a pretty upfront person, I must say, but we all have things inside we are scared to face sometimes. Sometimes the way I observe others lying to me and themselves makes me physically ill. People who put on a charming facade who have manipulative and egotistical, self serving motives make me the sickest of all.
I'm starting to recognize who the people are in my life who truly love and care for me, and it's about 1% of the people I know. I hope this doesn't offend anyone reading this, but let's be real here.... Do you honestly give a fuck if you ever see me again? Would it really make a difference in your life if I disappeared? That's what I thought. And you see, it's not the people who are friends/friendly acquaintances in that way that bother me... It's the people who attempt to build some sort of bond and trust with me, who in turn spit on that and disrespect my feelings, that piss me the fuck off. It's the people who love me until the next thing that excites them comes along, and then they will step on my feelings to get it. Yeah, it's the disregarders and the fucking fakes.
So that brings me back to my (extremely valid and logical) trust issues that I have with 99% of the people I know.... That brings me back to one thought.... I am so thankful that I never truly invested myself into those people who I could have let myself invest in. I'm so glad I went through a few days of hurt to learn who they really are, as well as learning who truly cares and wants to help me on my life journey. And I'm so glad those fucking asshats helped me get just that much smarter and stronger.
Some song lyrics come to mind:
"Don't think cause I understand, I care.
Don't think cause I'm talking we're friends."
~Sneaker Pimps
People lie. They lie and lie and lie. I have fucking lied to myself nearly my whole life, and I've gotten tired of it. In some ways I lie less than others, but I still lie too. I'm learning to recognize where I deceive myself. For the most part I am a pretty upfront person, I must say, but we all have things inside we are scared to face sometimes. Sometimes the way I observe others lying to me and themselves makes me physically ill. People who put on a charming facade who have manipulative and egotistical, self serving motives make me the sickest of all.
I'm starting to recognize who the people are in my life who truly love and care for me, and it's about 1% of the people I know. I hope this doesn't offend anyone reading this, but let's be real here.... Do you honestly give a fuck if you ever see me again? Would it really make a difference in your life if I disappeared? That's what I thought. And you see, it's not the people who are friends/friendly acquaintances in that way that bother me... It's the people who attempt to build some sort of bond and trust with me, who in turn spit on that and disrespect my feelings, that piss me the fuck off. It's the people who love me until the next thing that excites them comes along, and then they will step on my feelings to get it. Yeah, it's the disregarders and the fucking fakes.
So that brings me back to my (extremely valid and logical) trust issues that I have with 99% of the people I know.... That brings me back to one thought.... I am so thankful that I never truly invested myself into those people who I could have let myself invest in. I'm so glad I went through a few days of hurt to learn who they really are, as well as learning who truly cares and wants to help me on my life journey. And I'm so glad those fucking asshats helped me get just that much smarter and stronger.
Some song lyrics come to mind:
"Don't think cause I understand, I care.
Don't think cause I'm talking we're friends."
~Sneaker Pimps
Non-Poem
The love I feel is immeasureable
But it is stifling
As I imagine golden fields
Warm winds
My hair flies in circles around my face
Allowing the sun's rays to engulf me
As a darkness makes its way back to me
Years of life have made me aware of its stealth
I know you're there, waiting
Trickles of self doubt and doubt in others
Like raindrops in buckets, I hear your song
They pull me this way and that
Until I see a smile in your eyes
And I could stay there forever
But it is stifling
As I imagine golden fields
Warm winds
My hair flies in circles around my face
Allowing the sun's rays to engulf me
As a darkness makes its way back to me
Years of life have made me aware of its stealth
I know you're there, waiting
Trickles of self doubt and doubt in others
Like raindrops in buckets, I hear your song
They pull me this way and that
Until I see a smile in your eyes
And I could stay there forever
Decisions And Indecision
You make me reflective
I can see into my past, my present, and future
Seeing it all in this weird impossible way
Are we impossible?
Maybe you know me more than I know myself
But you don't know everything
I will be back, but for now I go
My light feels too bright for this place
There is a wall here
I think we are both putting it up
All I feel I can do sometimes is watch you
Watch and learn
Fast fast then slow slow
Easy gentle pace
Decisions and Indecision
And every day we get older and die a little more
Sweep me away into the winds
As I walk, sick and cold in the rain
My destination makes all the hardship worth it
And oh, the colors I see along the way
So if you want my hand in yours
Just reach out to me
I can not make any promises
But I will be here
I can see into my past, my present, and future
Seeing it all in this weird impossible way
Are we impossible?
Maybe you know me more than I know myself
But you don't know everything
I will be back, but for now I go
My light feels too bright for this place
There is a wall here
I think we are both putting it up
All I feel I can do sometimes is watch you
Watch and learn
Fast fast then slow slow
Easy gentle pace
Decisions and Indecision
And every day we get older and die a little more
Sweep me away into the winds
As I walk, sick and cold in the rain
My destination makes all the hardship worth it
And oh, the colors I see along the way
So if you want my hand in yours
Just reach out to me
I can not make any promises
But I will be here
Waking Life
Why does it haunt my dreams?
It has made a home inside of me
I'm not sure what to make of it
But it now lives in my heart
Night after night
Dream after dream
Day after day
I think of this
Range of emotions are like day and night
From orgasmic ecstasy to fear and loathing
To a comfort that only it can offer
And a place I want to go in my awake life
People say you can't control what you feel
You can only control what you do with what you feel
There was no stopping this
When something hits you like a freight train, there is no use in fighting
So as I spend so much time pondering, wondering, and then kicking myself in the ass
I look forward to another dream
I wonder what my mind will tell me about it this time
And I wonder what will become of my waking life
It has made a home inside of me
I'm not sure what to make of it
But it now lives in my heart
Night after night
Dream after dream
Day after day
I think of this
Range of emotions are like day and night
From orgasmic ecstasy to fear and loathing
To a comfort that only it can offer
And a place I want to go in my awake life
People say you can't control what you feel
You can only control what you do with what you feel
There was no stopping this
When something hits you like a freight train, there is no use in fighting
So as I spend so much time pondering, wondering, and then kicking myself in the ass
I look forward to another dream
I wonder what my mind will tell me about it this time
And I wonder what will become of my waking life
Thoughts
Originally written in May 2010.
I want to talk about limited states of mind....
As I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep, I am thankful that the annoying cough I had earlier has subsided. I wonder what's up with these damn allergies. My second thoughts are of the one I am losing... I wonder what they are doing. Then of my upcoming day and evening.
Then I stop.
Then I see an image.
Then I read some information.
I begin to think about everything I woke up and thought about in a new way.
I think of a conversation my oldest sister and I had when I was 20 years old about how certain humans could possibly be only capable to reach a certain mental, emotional, and spiritual level of progress in their lifetime. At the time, I didn't apply already existing religious beliefs to my ideas about life. They were thoughts that came naturally without being influenced by other sounds, images, and information. It wasn't about searching and picking to put a name on something that makes the most sense to me based on what I already think and feel, and it's not today either. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I have had my dabbling in such things, but it just puts a cap on thought in my opinion.... Who needs that? I guess some people do, but not me. I must admit, there have been times when I could not focus, and I felt so lost that I reached out to somewhat organized beliefs. There is nothing wrong with borrowing ideas from other sources to grow either. When you find yourself stuck, taking advice and listening to others ideas to identify with other human minds can be so healing, and steer you toward your own path again. Quite often as soon as I felt I had gotten the wisdom, and as soon as I had built up my own personal strength again to continue on my journey, I have always carried on, on my own. I know this will happen again and again as we are a planet of cycles. It's human nature for some of us to draw similar conclusions on aspects of life. And no one owns thoughts.
Admitting a wrong is tricky. Admitting defeat is trickier. Many people feel that a hard long look in the mirror and personal change is excruciating, and they avoid it at all costs. Some only look at what they selectively choose to fix, leaving the stuff that seems too big to wrap their heads around alone. Denial can be quite the tricky entity, but I think those of us who have truly looked it in the eye and said, "Hey fucker, who the hell do you think you are, lying to me about me?! Fuck off!" feel such a sense of relief when we let go, and face the truth that our minds and bodies truly want us to know. When we don't need our denial and resentments as our shields anymore, I think these are the moments when we are really free. Fear, resentments, and hurt feelings melt away... It just doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things. People love each other. People hurt each other. People scar. And people heal. It's all part of the process, and if we want to embrace it and keep learning more and more about ourselves, human nature, and the world we live in, then we embrace it openly, lovingly, and with strength.
That is all...
For now.
I want to talk about limited states of mind....
As I wake up after only 4 hours of sleep, I am thankful that the annoying cough I had earlier has subsided. I wonder what's up with these damn allergies. My second thoughts are of the one I am losing... I wonder what they are doing. Then of my upcoming day and evening.
Then I stop.
Then I see an image.
Then I read some information.
I begin to think about everything I woke up and thought about in a new way.
I think of a conversation my oldest sister and I had when I was 20 years old about how certain humans could possibly be only capable to reach a certain mental, emotional, and spiritual level of progress in their lifetime. At the time, I didn't apply already existing religious beliefs to my ideas about life. They were thoughts that came naturally without being influenced by other sounds, images, and information. It wasn't about searching and picking to put a name on something that makes the most sense to me based on what I already think and feel, and it's not today either. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I have had my dabbling in such things, but it just puts a cap on thought in my opinion.... Who needs that? I guess some people do, but not me. I must admit, there have been times when I could not focus, and I felt so lost that I reached out to somewhat organized beliefs. There is nothing wrong with borrowing ideas from other sources to grow either. When you find yourself stuck, taking advice and listening to others ideas to identify with other human minds can be so healing, and steer you toward your own path again. Quite often as soon as I felt I had gotten the wisdom, and as soon as I had built up my own personal strength again to continue on my journey, I have always carried on, on my own. I know this will happen again and again as we are a planet of cycles. It's human nature for some of us to draw similar conclusions on aspects of life. And no one owns thoughts.
Admitting a wrong is tricky. Admitting defeat is trickier. Many people feel that a hard long look in the mirror and personal change is excruciating, and they avoid it at all costs. Some only look at what they selectively choose to fix, leaving the stuff that seems too big to wrap their heads around alone. Denial can be quite the tricky entity, but I think those of us who have truly looked it in the eye and said, "Hey fucker, who the hell do you think you are, lying to me about me?! Fuck off!" feel such a sense of relief when we let go, and face the truth that our minds and bodies truly want us to know. When we don't need our denial and resentments as our shields anymore, I think these are the moments when we are really free. Fear, resentments, and hurt feelings melt away... It just doesn't matter anymore in the grand scheme of things. People love each other. People hurt each other. People scar. And people heal. It's all part of the process, and if we want to embrace it and keep learning more and more about ourselves, human nature, and the world we live in, then we embrace it openly, lovingly, and with strength.
That is all...
For now.
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