180

The way I see it, I've been mind fucked.  I'm trying so hard to be nice and diplomatic, understanding, and I'm trying not to place blame, but my feelings are hurt and raging.  When I look back on the beginning, progression, and then the dissolution, I am just taken aback.  Yeah, I made mistakes.  Yeah, I'm not perfect.  But I was damn good, and she knows it.  Or maybe she doesn't.  
I think of all the things she said to me.  Are they truth?  Are they excuses?  Are they her own inability to take a good, long look at herself?  Is she too emotionally stifled?  Is she selfish?  Am I selfish?  Am I just too damn mentally damaged to keep someone wanting to be with me?  Am I fucking crazy?  Like, I know I have issues, but am I a level of crazy to where I can't even see it, but everyone else does?  
She said she knew she was lucky.  She said she couldn't let me get away.  She said she would show appreciation every chance she got.  Then she did the 180.  Is she just shallow?  Did my flaws in my own life that had nothing to do with her turn her off so easily?
I wanted a caring, smooth, easy, loving exchange between us.  That is all.  It was too heavy for her.  I was too serious and needy for her.  She stopped having fun with me.  I got to see all the fun she has with her friends that I was not invited to be part of.  I became the ball and chain so fucking quickly. What the fuck?
She talked condescendingly to me just like a Taurus.  Reminding me of my father and sister, who I love dearly, but who think they are so in the know, that they miss what they need to learn at times.
How could she like me so much one week, and then not the next?  Did I change that much without realizing it?  
Dangle a beautiful carrot in front of my face, why don't you?  Make me think that we could build something beautiful together, then rip it from me.

I really hope it all works out for her with her goals and dreams.  I really hope she can fulfill everything she needs to in her life.  I really hope she can find a true love one day being the way she is with her emotion and romance stifling.  We all want a love, don't we?  Isn't it human nature to crave that connection with another?  She seemed to be so into it at first too.  We seemed to get each other, click on the levels we needed to, to make it work, then BAM!  A door gets slammed in my fucking face, and she behaves almost like a total stranger to me.

I can't help thinking that one day she may see that I was a really good thing for her, and want to give it another shot.  I can't help but to hope that she will see that I wasn't something to get in her way, but to aid her in her progression in life.  I guess those are natural recently dumped feelings.  I keep wanting to simply hold her again, to kiss her again.  I want to feel her skin again, and make love to her.  I just want to hold her hand and look into her eyes.
But she has no time or energy for me.  We all make time and energy for what we want to no matter how busy we are.  She simply doesn't want me in her life for the reasons she told me, I suppose, and probably more that she will never tell me because it would hurt me even more.  She had no good reason to leave me except her own shortcomings and our differences, but I know she doesn't see her shortcomings as shortcomings.  I was willing to work on mine to be with her and make her content in being with me.  I was willing to be open to change, growth, and to meet her halfway.  She wasn't.  

She just doesn't want me anymore, and doesn't like me that way anymore.  Plain and simple.  It's the hardest thing to accept, but probably the truth. She doesn't think I'm beautiful, great, sweet, kind, caring, and supportive like she said she did.  I am just another thing to move out of her way so she can continue on her journey that I am not welcome in anymore.

I feel so low.  Being dumped fucking sucks.  I'm not trying to be some wise fucking sage.  I am human, and this fucking hurts.

I've lost everything I was working on in my life right now, including her.  No school, no job, no dance, no love.

If I had the energy to get out of bed, I would punch something.