Anxiety

I'm sick of it, but should I be thankful for it?  Everything new gives it to me.  It blocks my ability to tell if the change is bad or good.  I guess I should just accept that it's change, and doesn't have to be bad or good.  I initially think something is good when it enters my life.  Then without much reason, the second thoughts enter.  Don't freak out, Kim...  It's just fucking life.

So many changes.  So much new.  So many possibilities.  I can not let myself sabotage anymore.  Embrace this shit, girl, but see it with open eyes.  See it with your wise eyes.  See it with your patient eyes.  You have all these eyes.  Just go one step at a time.  One moment at a time.  One day at a time.

Keeping 3rd shift hours.  For now it's for fun.  Soon it will be necessity.  I'm tired.  It's intense.  I love it.  Being on that level is astounding and surprising.  The universe just plopped you down in my lap.  I am not sure what to make of it with my recent past, but I am glad and so thankful you are here.  Where will it go from here is the unknown.  So much is new and foreign.  But foreign doesn't always mean it's bad.  I can feel myself changing and evolving.  It happens slowly, and I must be patient with myself and everyone and everything.  Then I look at the big picture, and I see that it is happening very rapidly as well.  Words really can't express all the variables properly that I see and feel.  I used to say I knew what I looked for, and I stuck with it.  Now, it has changed so dramatically that I wonder what else I had been hiding from myself.  It's almost orgasmic in a way.  It also makes me scared like a kitten in a new home.

Oh life.  You are a funny and fickle lover.  I love you at times and hate you at others, and then at times I just go with it and live you.  Can I trust you, lover?  I don't think I have a choice.  I am tired of not believing in you.  I will be here until I am not.  Might as well just let go and live you fully.