Two Weeks

Waiting to meet the one who feels like my dream love.  
Every day waking up with a sense of being cared for and admired.  
Every day waking up and feeling so full of love and desire for this person.  
This dream is a reality, and my reality is a dream.  

Two weeks until we meet face to face to really know.  
Two weeks until we know if our future hopes can seem like a real possibility.

We share so much and are so honest.
We embrace the passion and the depth of our connection.
We are both a little scared, and we know it's moving fast.
But we can not fight what feels so right.

I can not imagine a day without hearing their voice now.
I know I always want them in my life.
I feel I want them as my partner for life.
But we will wait two weeks to hold hands.

So much we can share and do together.
Side by side and intertwined in support and love.
I want nothing more than to kiss their lips, feel their touch.
I can hardly wait, but I wait.

I wait to hold you in my arms, my love.
I wait to look into your eyes as I hear your voice.
I wait to see how you look when you laugh.
I wait to show you, finally, how very much I care.

Two weeks.

Everything

They always say amazing things will come along when you least expect it.  Well, I did not expect you at all.  I am floored, amazed, and full of wonder.  I am smitten and I want to tell the world about how amazing you are.  I want this to be it.  I need you to be it.  I have been ready and waiting for you.  You came at the oddest time, but I quickly saw that it was the right time.  
You have your process, and I have mine.  I will respect it, but I want this to be real more than I have wanted anything before.  You are the most beautiful thing I have ever met.

The things you say are like soy butter.  The way you look ignites fires that have never been lit before.  Your voice makes me speechless, and like a little school girl with a crush.  With all the songs that make me think of you, you need your own playlist.  

Your eyes and heart are open just like mine.  You have so much kindness and caring inside of you to share.  I feel like I could tell you anything, and you would never fault me or judge.  You think and feel things on so many levels.  I get you.  I want to share so much with you.  Every day can be a beautiful and epic adventure.  There is so much to learn, to feel, to experience to the fullest.

You asked me if I believe in soul mates.  I knew what you meant.  
I'll bring my toothbrush and my parachute and never look back.
Every moment I am thanking the universe lately.
I will never take one second of you in my life for granted.
I will never run from you or this.
I want to get lost in you as you get lost in me.
And even when we are living our separate lives we will still be connected.
In love, in admiration, in respect, intertwined.

You are so beautiful.
Come to me and let me show this all to you.
Everything and anything for you.

http://youtu.be/7TU8FOsoLc8

Anxiety

I'm sick of it, but should I be thankful for it?  Everything new gives it to me.  It blocks my ability to tell if the change is bad or good.  I guess I should just accept that it's change, and doesn't have to be bad or good.  I initially think something is good when it enters my life.  Then without much reason, the second thoughts enter.  Don't freak out, Kim...  It's just fucking life.

So many changes.  So much new.  So many possibilities.  I can not let myself sabotage anymore.  Embrace this shit, girl, but see it with open eyes.  See it with your wise eyes.  See it with your patient eyes.  You have all these eyes.  Just go one step at a time.  One moment at a time.  One day at a time.

Keeping 3rd shift hours.  For now it's for fun.  Soon it will be necessity.  I'm tired.  It's intense.  I love it.  Being on that level is astounding and surprising.  The universe just plopped you down in my lap.  I am not sure what to make of it with my recent past, but I am glad and so thankful you are here.  Where will it go from here is the unknown.  So much is new and foreign.  But foreign doesn't always mean it's bad.  I can feel myself changing and evolving.  It happens slowly, and I must be patient with myself and everyone and everything.  Then I look at the big picture, and I see that it is happening very rapidly as well.  Words really can't express all the variables properly that I see and feel.  I used to say I knew what I looked for, and I stuck with it.  Now, it has changed so dramatically that I wonder what else I had been hiding from myself.  It's almost orgasmic in a way.  It also makes me scared like a kitten in a new home.

Oh life.  You are a funny and fickle lover.  I love you at times and hate you at others, and then at times I just go with it and live you.  Can I trust you, lover?  I don't think I have a choice.  I am tired of not believing in you.  I will be here until I am not.  Might as well just let go and live you fully.

My Gift

It comes from a place so primal in me that I can not quite place it.
It comes from a land that I have never seen or set foot in.
It comes from a place where no one would call me authentic.
But I feel it so deeply as it moves me.
Patterns of drums, snaky reed pipes, chiming of zils, strumming of ouds make me divulge in ecstasy.
I lose myself in this world, and enter another where my body is the music.
No stage will ever see me this way.
No one may ever see me this way.
It is just the music and me, alone.
It is the music and me, together.
It is the world, the universe, and me in total harmony.

"There is another level of awesomeness?"  She asked.
"The only way anyone will ever see it is if they plant a hidden camera in my home and are very patient", I replied.
"The world needs to see this," she said.
I can only smile inside and say thank you to her.

All I have learned is in me and manifests through fluid movement effortlessly.
All that I feel comes pouring out of me in stories that are never spoken.
Just listen to us.
Just watch us.
Just feel us.
Just come dance with us.
Make music with us.

It has been with me since birth.
So many avenues led me back to it.
It is a destiny of mine that lives whether I want it to or not.
So much education and experiments have enhanced it in me.

Even when I stop, I never really stop.

The Refresher

He, she, they, ze, hir, it doesn't matter to me.  A pronoun is just a pronoun.  

She caused so many shifts in me.  I have already learned so much from her.

I like your face and eyes beneath your glasses.

I like your lips and your nose.

I love your hair, and your boyish ways with such a beautiful feminine face.

I like dreaming of what is under your clothes.

I like the way you tell a story and excite.

I am scared and unsure, but that is okay.

I believe in possibilities too.

I believe in romantic stories about cabins in the woods.

I believe in cultured cities.

I believe in performance arts.

I believe in fluid and effortless exchange of affection.

I believe in growing together.

I believe in helping save people.

I believe in learning skills to save ourselves.

I am so grateful to the universe that you came along when you did.

I needed the distraction and the attention.

I longed for the sweetness and flattery.

You delivered beyond what I could have wished for.

I feel refreshed, and like I can get up now.

I feel a little more inspired and positive than I did yesterday.

I am working toward not being so fearful of the future.

I am working toward not being so trapped by my past.

Yesterday I thought it was all just more bad karma I was working off.

Today I think that even if it is bad karma, I can make it good karma by being open to learn from it.

Thank you, my Phoenix, for helping me rise again.

You came at the perfect moment.

180

The way I see it, I've been mind fucked.  I'm trying so hard to be nice and diplomatic, understanding, and I'm trying not to place blame, but my feelings are hurt and raging.  When I look back on the beginning, progression, and then the dissolution, I am just taken aback.  Yeah, I made mistakes.  Yeah, I'm not perfect.  But I was damn good, and she knows it.  Or maybe she doesn't.  
I think of all the things she said to me.  Are they truth?  Are they excuses?  Are they her own inability to take a good, long look at herself?  Is she too emotionally stifled?  Is she selfish?  Am I selfish?  Am I just too damn mentally damaged to keep someone wanting to be with me?  Am I fucking crazy?  Like, I know I have issues, but am I a level of crazy to where I can't even see it, but everyone else does?  
She said she knew she was lucky.  She said she couldn't let me get away.  She said she would show appreciation every chance she got.  Then she did the 180.  Is she just shallow?  Did my flaws in my own life that had nothing to do with her turn her off so easily?
I wanted a caring, smooth, easy, loving exchange between us.  That is all.  It was too heavy for her.  I was too serious and needy for her.  She stopped having fun with me.  I got to see all the fun she has with her friends that I was not invited to be part of.  I became the ball and chain so fucking quickly. What the fuck?
She talked condescendingly to me just like a Taurus.  Reminding me of my father and sister, who I love dearly, but who think they are so in the know, that they miss what they need to learn at times.
How could she like me so much one week, and then not the next?  Did I change that much without realizing it?  
Dangle a beautiful carrot in front of my face, why don't you?  Make me think that we could build something beautiful together, then rip it from me.

I really hope it all works out for her with her goals and dreams.  I really hope she can fulfill everything she needs to in her life.  I really hope she can find a true love one day being the way she is with her emotion and romance stifling.  We all want a love, don't we?  Isn't it human nature to crave that connection with another?  She seemed to be so into it at first too.  We seemed to get each other, click on the levels we needed to, to make it work, then BAM!  A door gets slammed in my fucking face, and she behaves almost like a total stranger to me.

I can't help thinking that one day she may see that I was a really good thing for her, and want to give it another shot.  I can't help but to hope that she will see that I wasn't something to get in her way, but to aid her in her progression in life.  I guess those are natural recently dumped feelings.  I keep wanting to simply hold her again, to kiss her again.  I want to feel her skin again, and make love to her.  I just want to hold her hand and look into her eyes.
But she has no time or energy for me.  We all make time and energy for what we want to no matter how busy we are.  She simply doesn't want me in her life for the reasons she told me, I suppose, and probably more that she will never tell me because it would hurt me even more.  She had no good reason to leave me except her own shortcomings and our differences, but I know she doesn't see her shortcomings as shortcomings.  I was willing to work on mine to be with her and make her content in being with me.  I was willing to be open to change, growth, and to meet her halfway.  She wasn't.  

She just doesn't want me anymore, and doesn't like me that way anymore.  Plain and simple.  It's the hardest thing to accept, but probably the truth. She doesn't think I'm beautiful, great, sweet, kind, caring, and supportive like she said she did.  I am just another thing to move out of her way so she can continue on her journey that I am not welcome in anymore.

I feel so low.  Being dumped fucking sucks.  I'm not trying to be some wise fucking sage.  I am human, and this fucking hurts.

I've lost everything I was working on in my life right now, including her.  No school, no job, no dance, no love.

If I had the energy to get out of bed, I would punch something.