Boundaries

I've felt stifled and lost since this move.  I had hoped and thought I would feel the opposite. I know I have issues and obstacles that may be harder than others, but I don't think my way of being is simply a symptom of mental issues.  I think that my core being knows what I need and long for to be a happy person.  I think I learn more about the things in my life that I need to do to make this a reality every day.  Trial and error, it may take.  Fighting against a current of people who don't understand, it may take. But it will take.  I will make my way.
Maybe I am just the kind of person who needs a tremendous amount of mental personal space to feel happy. I can't have others telling me what to do, or how to do things in my personal or professional life unless I ask. I'm not talking about not listening to my boss at a job or a teacher in a class I may take.  I'm talking about things within my life and future.  I need time alone often, in a safe and comfortable space, to think, process,and organize my thoughts, feelings, and ways of doing things.  I learned this about myself when I was single for a few years. Being in a relationship can't change this about me. My partner will just have to accept that about me.
I also move slower than others at times, but it keeps me sane to do so. I must take time daily to "smell the roses", period. It's the only way for me, and it's something I do in solitude. I can not fully relax and do this in the presence of any other human being. This is just the way it is. I don't always want or need to share these moments and thoughts with others. I don't always want or need to discuss things that I am working on or experiencing that is remarkable with others.  If I feel inspired to (like I am now), I will share. People often think that the first time they hear you speak of something, it is the first time you have contemplated or thought of it at all. That is a silly human assumption that happens often when you inform someone of something you have decided to do in your life. I don't need to check everything through anyone. I am an adult, and I can trust my own self and make decisions about my life that are important to me however I choose as long as it won't hurt anyone other than me.  If I make a mistake and harm myself, it is no one's problem except my own. If one takes my pain on as their own, it is a choice they have made to do so.  It is not my responsibility or problem to worry about that when making important decisions in my life. I can't live my life to alleviate everyone's worry about me. And I won't let the fact that many think I can't do things on my own leave me in a mental state of believing that I am not competent enough to live my life without the approval of it being the right decision of those who care for me.  This is a mind fuck that I get stuck in because I have made mistakes in my life.  Everyone makes mistakes in their life, BIG mistakes.  My mistakes have been very out in the open for many to see in my life, so I get a label stamped on my head of making quick and rash decisions.  It's funny, isn't it, that I move at a slow pace, but still get labeled as making rash decisions also.  From time to time, I have just taken risks and plunges unexpectedly in others' eyes.  Sometimes those things work out for a certain amount of time, sometimes they don't last long at all, and sometimes I will decide to do something totally different after awhile.  Is that making mistakes???  Maybe, but maybe not.  Maybe it's just trying new things and learning from them.  Maybe to people who pick one thing and do that for the majority of their lives, these seem like mistakes, or like a person who can't find herself.  Maybe they are right to think that, but does that make me wrong or always someone who messes up?  Maybe so and maybe not.  Maybe I just like to learn through experience instead of reading books on how others learn and think I should live and learn....  People often aren't aware of how long I had been thinking, planning, and waiting to do something because the first they hear of it is when I decide to do it. It's my prerogative to do this if I want to. Many are also blinded by their ego's need to help everyone else.  That is a contradiction in terms for sure.  Your ego needing to be satisfied by knowing you helped someone else along their life journey is not helpful no matter how you disguise it. You may be able to disguise it to yourself, but not to me. I'm not talking about helping the little old lady across the street or doing animal rescue kind of help. I'm talking about interpersonal interjecting of your ways, advice, and opinions on someone else's life who is capable of handling shit on their own kind of "help". I know it is so hard for us all, especially worrier, ego-helper types, to truly look into the mirror and be self aware. It often messes with self confidence and our fragile egos if we let it. Being self aware, self confident, and real with yourself is a nearly impossible balancing act often, but it is possible at times. You can't give up.

Tonight

One month has passed since I have held your hand.
One month has passed since I touched your skin.
One month has passed since I kissed those lips.
One month has passed since I looked into your eyes.
Tonight we reunite in love.

We learn so much about each other from miles away.
We express our ups and downs, our pasts and our dreams.
We share our fears and our flaws, and never waiver in our love.
We see each other for who we are, and we make a commitment to never be apart.
Soon, we will never be apart.

Two months have passed since I first said your name.
Two months have passed since I became swept off my feet.
Two months have passed and I am still flying.
Two months have passed and I fall more deeply each day.
Thank you for reaching out to me.

5 nights full of romance and love.
4 days full of sharing and learning.
Then we only have to wait two more weeks until we begin our new chapter.
I can only hope it will be the book that tells the story of the rest of our lives together.
I love you dearly.

My One

Could this really be happening?
Could my dreams really be coming true?
So many years in waiting.
A life full of hoping.
Could you be the one?
My one and only?
The one that matches me in all the ways that make us fit like a heart shaped puzzle?

Emotion.
Passion.
Intellect.
Desire.
Hopes.
Dreams.
Humor.
Inspiration.
Compassion.
Chemistry.
We operate on all compatible levels in all these things.

You have so much that I am pulled toward.
I never knew what could ignite this fire in me.
You ignite a spark that has been waiting for your flame.
One touch from your fiery wing and I was set ablaze.

Take flight with me and we will soar.
There is nothing we can't achieve.
In life, in love, envision, emancipated.
Freedom in union.

Please be my One.

Two Weeks

Waiting to meet the one who feels like my dream love.  
Every day waking up with a sense of being cared for and admired.  
Every day waking up and feeling so full of love and desire for this person.  
This dream is a reality, and my reality is a dream.  

Two weeks until we meet face to face to really know.  
Two weeks until we know if our future hopes can seem like a real possibility.

We share so much and are so honest.
We embrace the passion and the depth of our connection.
We are both a little scared, and we know it's moving fast.
But we can not fight what feels so right.

I can not imagine a day without hearing their voice now.
I know I always want them in my life.
I feel I want them as my partner for life.
But we will wait two weeks to hold hands.

So much we can share and do together.
Side by side and intertwined in support and love.
I want nothing more than to kiss their lips, feel their touch.
I can hardly wait, but I wait.

I wait to hold you in my arms, my love.
I wait to look into your eyes as I hear your voice.
I wait to see how you look when you laugh.
I wait to show you, finally, how very much I care.

Two weeks.

Everything

They always say amazing things will come along when you least expect it.  Well, I did not expect you at all.  I am floored, amazed, and full of wonder.  I am smitten and I want to tell the world about how amazing you are.  I want this to be it.  I need you to be it.  I have been ready and waiting for you.  You came at the oddest time, but I quickly saw that it was the right time.  
You have your process, and I have mine.  I will respect it, but I want this to be real more than I have wanted anything before.  You are the most beautiful thing I have ever met.

The things you say are like soy butter.  The way you look ignites fires that have never been lit before.  Your voice makes me speechless, and like a little school girl with a crush.  With all the songs that make me think of you, you need your own playlist.  

Your eyes and heart are open just like mine.  You have so much kindness and caring inside of you to share.  I feel like I could tell you anything, and you would never fault me or judge.  You think and feel things on so many levels.  I get you.  I want to share so much with you.  Every day can be a beautiful and epic adventure.  There is so much to learn, to feel, to experience to the fullest.

You asked me if I believe in soul mates.  I knew what you meant.  
I'll bring my toothbrush and my parachute and never look back.
Every moment I am thanking the universe lately.
I will never take one second of you in my life for granted.
I will never run from you or this.
I want to get lost in you as you get lost in me.
And even when we are living our separate lives we will still be connected.
In love, in admiration, in respect, intertwined.

You are so beautiful.
Come to me and let me show this all to you.
Everything and anything for you.

http://youtu.be/7TU8FOsoLc8

Anxiety

I'm sick of it, but should I be thankful for it?  Everything new gives it to me.  It blocks my ability to tell if the change is bad or good.  I guess I should just accept that it's change, and doesn't have to be bad or good.  I initially think something is good when it enters my life.  Then without much reason, the second thoughts enter.  Don't freak out, Kim...  It's just fucking life.

So many changes.  So much new.  So many possibilities.  I can not let myself sabotage anymore.  Embrace this shit, girl, but see it with open eyes.  See it with your wise eyes.  See it with your patient eyes.  You have all these eyes.  Just go one step at a time.  One moment at a time.  One day at a time.

Keeping 3rd shift hours.  For now it's for fun.  Soon it will be necessity.  I'm tired.  It's intense.  I love it.  Being on that level is astounding and surprising.  The universe just plopped you down in my lap.  I am not sure what to make of it with my recent past, but I am glad and so thankful you are here.  Where will it go from here is the unknown.  So much is new and foreign.  But foreign doesn't always mean it's bad.  I can feel myself changing and evolving.  It happens slowly, and I must be patient with myself and everyone and everything.  Then I look at the big picture, and I see that it is happening very rapidly as well.  Words really can't express all the variables properly that I see and feel.  I used to say I knew what I looked for, and I stuck with it.  Now, it has changed so dramatically that I wonder what else I had been hiding from myself.  It's almost orgasmic in a way.  It also makes me scared like a kitten in a new home.

Oh life.  You are a funny and fickle lover.  I love you at times and hate you at others, and then at times I just go with it and live you.  Can I trust you, lover?  I don't think I have a choice.  I am tired of not believing in you.  I will be here until I am not.  Might as well just let go and live you fully.

My Gift

It comes from a place so primal in me that I can not quite place it.
It comes from a land that I have never seen or set foot in.
It comes from a place where no one would call me authentic.
But I feel it so deeply as it moves me.
Patterns of drums, snaky reed pipes, chiming of zils, strumming of ouds make me divulge in ecstasy.
I lose myself in this world, and enter another where my body is the music.
No stage will ever see me this way.
No one may ever see me this way.
It is just the music and me, alone.
It is the music and me, together.
It is the world, the universe, and me in total harmony.

"There is another level of awesomeness?"  She asked.
"The only way anyone will ever see it is if they plant a hidden camera in my home and are very patient", I replied.
"The world needs to see this," she said.
I can only smile inside and say thank you to her.

All I have learned is in me and manifests through fluid movement effortlessly.
All that I feel comes pouring out of me in stories that are never spoken.
Just listen to us.
Just watch us.
Just feel us.
Just come dance with us.
Make music with us.

It has been with me since birth.
So many avenues led me back to it.
It is a destiny of mine that lives whether I want it to or not.
So much education and experiments have enhanced it in me.

Even when I stop, I never really stop.