Boundaries

I've felt stifled and lost since this move.  I had hoped and thought I would feel the opposite. I know I have issues and obstacles that may be harder than others, but I don't think my way of being is simply a symptom of mental issues.  I think that my core being knows what I need and long for to be a happy person.  I think I learn more about the things in my life that I need to do to make this a reality every day.  Trial and error, it may take.  Fighting against a current of people who don't understand, it may take. But it will take.  I will make my way.
Maybe I am just the kind of person who needs a tremendous amount of mental personal space to feel happy. I can't have others telling me what to do, or how to do things in my personal or professional life unless I ask. I'm not talking about not listening to my boss at a job or a teacher in a class I may take.  I'm talking about things within my life and future.  I need time alone often, in a safe and comfortable space, to think, process,and organize my thoughts, feelings, and ways of doing things.  I learned this about myself when I was single for a few years. Being in a relationship can't change this about me. My partner will just have to accept that about me.
I also move slower than others at times, but it keeps me sane to do so. I must take time daily to "smell the roses", period. It's the only way for me, and it's something I do in solitude. I can not fully relax and do this in the presence of any other human being. This is just the way it is. I don't always want or need to share these moments and thoughts with others. I don't always want or need to discuss things that I am working on or experiencing that is remarkable with others.  If I feel inspired to (like I am now), I will share. People often think that the first time they hear you speak of something, it is the first time you have contemplated or thought of it at all. That is a silly human assumption that happens often when you inform someone of something you have decided to do in your life. I don't need to check everything through anyone. I am an adult, and I can trust my own self and make decisions about my life that are important to me however I choose as long as it won't hurt anyone other than me.  If I make a mistake and harm myself, it is no one's problem except my own. If one takes my pain on as their own, it is a choice they have made to do so.  It is not my responsibility or problem to worry about that when making important decisions in my life. I can't live my life to alleviate everyone's worry about me. And I won't let the fact that many think I can't do things on my own leave me in a mental state of believing that I am not competent enough to live my life without the approval of it being the right decision of those who care for me.  This is a mind fuck that I get stuck in because I have made mistakes in my life.  Everyone makes mistakes in their life, BIG mistakes.  My mistakes have been very out in the open for many to see in my life, so I get a label stamped on my head of making quick and rash decisions.  It's funny, isn't it, that I move at a slow pace, but still get labeled as making rash decisions also.  From time to time, I have just taken risks and plunges unexpectedly in others' eyes.  Sometimes those things work out for a certain amount of time, sometimes they don't last long at all, and sometimes I will decide to do something totally different after awhile.  Is that making mistakes???  Maybe, but maybe not.  Maybe it's just trying new things and learning from them.  Maybe to people who pick one thing and do that for the majority of their lives, these seem like mistakes, or like a person who can't find herself.  Maybe they are right to think that, but does that make me wrong or always someone who messes up?  Maybe so and maybe not.  Maybe I just like to learn through experience instead of reading books on how others learn and think I should live and learn....  People often aren't aware of how long I had been thinking, planning, and waiting to do something because the first they hear of it is when I decide to do it. It's my prerogative to do this if I want to. Many are also blinded by their ego's need to help everyone else.  That is a contradiction in terms for sure.  Your ego needing to be satisfied by knowing you helped someone else along their life journey is not helpful no matter how you disguise it. You may be able to disguise it to yourself, but not to me. I'm not talking about helping the little old lady across the street or doing animal rescue kind of help. I'm talking about interpersonal interjecting of your ways, advice, and opinions on someone else's life who is capable of handling shit on their own kind of "help". I know it is so hard for us all, especially worrier, ego-helper types, to truly look into the mirror and be self aware. It often messes with self confidence and our fragile egos if we let it. Being self aware, self confident, and real with yourself is a nearly impossible balancing act often, but it is possible at times. You can't give up.